Reactive leaders usually rely on their own answers, and feel that they need to know it all.  Proactive leaders fully acknowledge that they can’t possibly know it all and reach out to their teams to share and contribute their knowledge and expertise.

Reactive leaders will make decisions by themselves where as proactive leaders allow others to make decisions and trust in their decision making more often.  This allows others around you to flourish.

Reactive leaders push team members for results, constantly driving the team to produce.  Proactive leaders generate a vision for the company, enroll the team in sharing in that vision, and have them be so compelled by it that the team motivates themselves toward fulfilling on that vision.

A reactive leader will teach those around them to wait to be directed.  A proactive leader inspires the team to be self directed.  And will acknowledge this behavior over and over again.

A reactive leader feels out of control and responds to the issues and problems that arise.  A proactive leader does not allow themselves or the team to be derailed by issues that arise.  They know it is a part of the process and stay focused in those moments of stress.

A reactive leader tends to always be “waiting for the other shoe to drop”.  A proactive leader stands in the future of what they want to create and doesn’t allow the normal ups and downs to veer them off that path.

A reactive leader is quick to punish mistakes and undesirable behavior.  A proactive leader allows themselves and others to make mistakes, knowing that is the best way to learn and grow.

A reactive leader relies on rules to make decisions.  A proactive leader makes decisions based on their vision and company culture.

Where do you see yourself in these categories?  Again, one is no better than the other, they just produce different results.  Learning to operate more from the proactive side, you may find yourself not only producing greater results, but will certainly have you feeling more peaceful, and also making the difference with your teams that you most want to make.

Many business owners, entrepreneurs, and managers would tell you that they are quite different at work than they are at home.  It’s pretty universal. We are typically stronger in one area vs. another.  At work, we show up as the assertive, decision makers, quick thinkers, and effective communicators.  When we’re at home we often feel like we are just winging it.

Maybe it’s because of the aspect of unconditional love.  At home, we can mess up, make mistakes and be far less than perfect, yet somehow we know we will still be loved.  At work it’s certainly not the same.  If we mess up, make mistakes, underachieve, and don’t meet our deadlines, there is that underlying fear there, if you’re an employee that you would be fired.  Or worse, if you own the business, that you’d go under.  There’s a lot at stake.  So we go above and beyond at work, in a way that we don’t at home.  Somehow thinking it will just all work out.

There is no accident that the divorce rate is what it is.  Divorce doesn’t happen overnight, it takes years of taking the other person for granted, not handling issues that need to be addressed, and giving more effort to our jobs than our families for it to finally take its toll.  And it does take its toll.

How can we, as brilliant business people, lessen the cost of this way of being?  By implementing some of the same strategies that we do at work, at home.   The first technique is to develop a context in which to operate from, or in other words a culture for your family.  How you will be with each other and how the family will be with the outside world.  How to develop this is quite simple.  Just look at what makes your family unique from anyone else’s.  Look at what had you fall in love with your spouse, and them with you.  For instance you might say “I always loved how my husband spoke up for what was important to him, no matter what.”  Speaking up for what’s important to you could be a part of the context of your family.  Come with at least 3 or 4 of these.  All family decisions should be made with this culture taken into account.

Next, your family should always be working together towards something important.  I would assume that your company is never in a period of coasting along until the next project comes up, right?  Your family should not either.  Every couple of months choose a project that is important for your family to accomplish.  Now this could be as the result of an emergency such as an illness in the family, a baby on the way, a particular financial situation, a child’s grades that need attention, etc.  Or this could be something that you simply want to put your energies into such as an exciting vacation, a new home, or a move.

Once the project is decided upon, then each family member should have a part in making it happen.  All decisions would be made based on whether or not it will support the main project.  Saying no becomes easy and guilt free once you know what’s important and where you want your energies going to.

Once you accomplish this project, then chose another one.   And it’s really important to make one project the most important one.  If you make several projects important, you might end up being mediocre at all of them vs. successful at one.

Applying these few simple strategies will soon have you feeling more balanced than you could have ever imagined, with the goal of this being able to feel more peaceful inside about your life.

We love change, right?  Especially when someone else changes, I am all for that! If that employee would change his attitude, there would be so much less stress here.  If the economy would just improve, we would be thriving.  If my team would be more productive, I could spend more time at home enjoying my family. How many times have you caught yourself saying those things?

So if it’s not about the other person changing, then what does that leave?  It’s a no brainer, ME!  Each of us has to be willing to change in those situations when something is not working.  Change our thinking, change our habits or routines, change our communication style, change our belief system, etc.  We could wait for another person to change, but we could be waiting forever.  And that doesn’t have us in the driver’s seat in life.

Fear of change is a common fear in life, one that we resist over and over again. We can spend our entire career waiting for something else to change.  We can spend years in our relationship wanting the other person to change. Can you relate to that?

Life is actually pretty simple.  Now I didn’t say easy, I said simple.  It comes down to this.  If it’s working, keep doing it.  If it’s not working, change and do something different.  Think about it.  How great is that?  How simple is that?

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to change what’s not working. True.  But having faith that it will all work out perfectly, and taking that leap is what great leadership is all about.

In a recent class I was observing all the different levels of physical conditions of all of the participants, and for the most part, in the 40 or so attendees, I do a pretty good job of keeping up, given my lifetime of dance lessons.  Now, I don‘t say that to toot my own horn, I am saying it to make a point…why on earth would anyone put themselves through Marla’s class?  The level of stress on the body is tremendous, not to mention trying to grasp all of the intricate steps and rhythms.  But here these women are day in and day out, lining up at the door to experience her particular class.  All ages, all body types, all levels of condition.

What this drives home for me is that as human beings, at the baseline level, we must want to be pushed.   It must be a part of our makeup.  Not just the desire to survive, but the desire to thrive!!  We were meant to get outside our comfort zone.  Sometimes we resist that because it usually means we have to change.  Change a pattern, change a thought process, change a way of taking action that we are used to, change a way of communicating that we are comfortable with.  We are much more interested in other people changing most of the time!

How does this show up in the world?  Well, many people have gotten so good at the resistance part that they have slipped into a routine of staying in their comfort zone.  There is no accident that the manufacturing and sales of antidepressants are a multibillion dollar industry.   We somehow have to find a way to quite that voice that says “why aren’t you living your potential?” which is the reason for most addictions, depression, anxiety, etc. The remedy is simple.  Not easy.  It requires implementing a routine of risk taking…doing the things that scare you.  Doing the things your heart screams out for you to do, and doing something every day.  Just like working out on a regular basis has you build up a new set of muscles, so does this routine.  And before you know it, you’ll be living the life of your dreams, feeling strong and fulfilled, and loving your life because you will be satisfying that baseline desire to thrive.

I have figured out that life is not about reaching some final destination, but that the way we handle every day of the journey makes all the difference. Now back to my “Jazzercise” class.  Marla’s counting.

So what does it require to create this type of extraordinary team?  Well Scott Hunter says it best in opening chapter of his book Unshackled Leadership, Building Businesses Based on Faith, Trust, Possibility and Abundance…  “After 20+ years of working in and observing organizations of every type and size, I have noticed a theme all successful ones share.  They have enthusiastic, confident, optimistic, appreciative and happy people who work together on behalf of a future they have all committed themselves to.”

Is this your team?  Chances are you answer to that question is no.  Mostly people are not inspired by their work.  They live for the weekends or their time off.  People don’t feel appreciated or valued.  They don’t feel that they are an integral part of something.  They are going through the motions.

Statistics show that 55% of American workers report being extremely unhappy with, or even hating their jobs.  Is this your team?  Only 6% of American workers report loving their jobs.  These are pretty grim facts, giving the amount of time, effort, energy, and life blood that we give to work.  Do you realize how much unhappiness is costing us at work?  It’s estimated that it cost American companies 300 million dollars a year in stress-related claims.  That’s about $7500 per employee-just for being unhappy!!!  And add to that the cost of absenteeism, turn-over, lack of productivity and creativity and the cost is into the trillions.  What’s it costing you?

Can this be turned around?  Absolutely!  You can have an extraordinary team.  You can be an amazing leader.  Most of the time leaders of an organization don’t know what to do to create this type of team.  Our current thinking can only get us so far in life.  This is why it is extremely valuable to have a coach.  Just like any sports team or Olympic athlete has a coach to coach them to their championship, businesses are the same.  They require a coach to coach them to their championship, whatever that may be for them.  Consider the possibility that there is much that you don’t know that you don’t know about people, success, and teamwork.  And how important would it be for you to get some additional skills to make your work environment be one like I mentioned above?

For more information about this type of coaching, visit www.thpalliance.com.

Do you notice what these two examples have in common?  They are both examples of blaming someone else for what we don’t have.  It’s called the game of victim, and it’s a favorite game amongst many of us.  Why would we want to play the game of being a victim you ask?  Well, it’s quite simple.  Being the victim lets us off the hook.  As long as it’s someone else’s fault, we never have to look at doing something different.  We don’t have to take a risk, do something that is outside our comfort zone. And we get some sympathy too.  When we are being the victim we look for others to say things like “it’s going to be OK”, “It’s not your fault”, “there was nothing you could do”, “let me handle that for you”.  We would do just about anything to hear that when we are in the victim role. Can you see this in yourself?

The problem with playing the victim game is that we NEVER get what we ultimately want.  We never get to be happy or satisfied.  All we get is to be RIGHT.  And I have never met a happy person that has to be RIGHT all the time.  It’s a choice in life…to be happy or to be right.  Which would you rather chose?

Leaders chose to be happy.  They know that their own happiness never lies in someone else’s hands.  They know that it’s up to them.  Even if it feels and appears that someone is standing in my way of getting where I want to go, leaders simply find another way.  They find another way to get through to someone, inspire people, get their point across, get the support they need, create the closeness they are craving, and get their financial and emotional needs met.  They don’t stand in blame of others.  Leaders are willing to see when they are walking down a dead end road, and they choose to walk another way.

So the next time you feel like you are beating your head up against a wall-stop yourself.  And simply try something different.  It may take many attempts at doing something different, but at least I am in the driver’s seat and not just at effect of how someone else is being.

This is ultimate safety. We often mistake being in our comfort zone for safety.  They are actually completely opposite.  True safety comes from trusting ourselves to get outside of our comfort zone.  When we do we get to discover that we can handle just about everything, and we can create just about anything.

What do we know to be true about the honeymoon stage?  If you said “it doesn’t last long” you are in line with the majority of people out there.

But, why doesn’t it last long?  What gets in the way of us experiencing this honeymoon stage every day at work, even after 15 years?  What is it that has 9% of senior executives admit to being fully DISENGAGED at their jobs?  What is it that has 45% of American workers admitting to HATING their jobs?

Not to mention how this shows up in our personal lives.  The current divorce rate is over 50% in 1^st marriages, and don’t get me started on 2^nd and 3^rd ones!  Did any of these marriages start out with the couple stating that “well I think I’ll stay married for 4.5 years and then get a divorce”?  I don’t think so.

Why?  What happens that has the honeymoon stage end so quickly?

Well, in all the years of studying human beings and our behaviors, and after taking a close look at my own life, I think I know that answer to that question…

We are not very good at handling our own upsets!

Being with other human beings in a way that works can be one of the most daunting tasks.  The reason is that we so often get upset.  Something the other person or people say or do “triggers” us inside and we get upset, disappointed, angry, hurt, you name it!  This threatens our relationship, our job, our income, our happiness, and we get scared!  But it’s not really the other person’s actions that trigger us…it’s what we take their actions to mean that gets us upset.  For example; my husband didn’t make me coffee and I take it mean he doesn’t love me.  The board of directors didn’t go with my idea, and so I take it to mean I am not valued.  None of this is true necessarily.  But it feels true to us when we are upset.

The problem then lies in what we do with that upset.  Everyone has their favorite way of handling it.  Some people shut down and withhold, others lash out and get angry, others pretend it never happened, and some people quietly seek revenge.  All of these behaviors are our own survival mechanisms and we think it’s going to handle our upset.  It doesn’t.

We are human beings, it is inevitable that we are going to get upset in life, but we can each minimize the impact of our upsets and keep the honeymoon stage alive if we were each willing to do one simple thing….talk to the person that has us being so upset.   We can do this in an ineffective way such as blaming, crying, venting, or beating around the bush.  I wouldn’t recommend any of these strategies!  But simply talking to the person about how we feel, and finding out if their behavior meant what we thought it meant by asking them.  The sooner we can do this, the better.  Storing up our upsets is never a good thing.  This can lead to illness, resentment, depression, and has us using our entire productive energy holding on to our upsets.

So if there is anyone in your life right now that you may be holding on to some upset about, go and talk to them.  Be direct in your communication and do it for the purpose of you letting it go, not trying to get them to change.  Use some compassion, knowing that most of the time people have no clue that their words and actions had an impact on us.  We are just all out there trying to do the best that we can.  You may be amazed how good you feel afterward!

I believe that the best kind of fun is the kind that is generated from within us, and it requires no purchase.  Don’t get me wrong, there is NOTHING wrong with purchasing all of those great things, but the kind of fun I am talking about can be generated at any given moment, at anytime, anywhere.  How do I know this?  Do you have or ever had little kids?  Did you ever watch them play?

Little children and we were all little children once, have this unbridled ability to bring out the fun in anything that happens to be in front of them.  For example, my son is 3 years old.  And ever since he was a baby, just old enough to reach out and grab, his favorite toy was a wipes container.  You know those plastic containers that have a flip top lid and hold a stack of wet wipes.  Well, he loves those things and still to this day he prefers that over many of the expensive toys that we were sure he would play with forever.  Go figure!  But that is just an example of how little kids bring fun to anything and everything.

As we have become adults, some of us have lost that ability to have fun.  We are too busy trying to “make it”, or to “be a success”.  We have too many dishes to do, meals to plan, and laundry to get done.  We have forgotten.

Here are some ideas to bring out your sense of childlike fun, and I promise if you try them, you’ll feel at least 10 years younger.  Maybe more!!!  These are all things I have done, with or without my kids, and trust me they work….

-have your own karaoke contest in your living room

-sing in the shower

-bake some brownies

-build a tent in the living room with blankets and chairs

-have a race with your child around the living room

-go to the park and slide down the fire pole

-camp out in your back yard

-dig a hole in your flower bed

-play hide and seek at the mall or grocery store

-approach a stranger and give them a compliment

-go barefoot

-play a board game

-make up your own game of charades

-swing on the swing set

-dig for worms

-go fishing

-run through a sprinkler

-take a hike through a forest

-ride your bike

-watch a sunset

-watch a sunrise

-leave a note of acknowledgment for an unsuspecting co-worker

-leave a love note for your spouse

-pick a wild flower for your mom

-drive with the windows down and sun roof open

-drive your spouse crazy by dancing like a wild person in the car, especially while stopped an intersection

-have breakfast in bed

-heck, have dinner in bed

-crank up the music in the car like you did in High School

Let’s look at how our integrity relates to producing results in life.  Some people feel that results are the same as having no results plus a good excuse.  That somehow it’s OK that we don’t produce what we said we would, as long as we have a really good excuse!  Nothing could be further from the truth.  The only thing a good excuse is good for is creating resentment, frustration, and dissatisfaction.  The more we use excuses, the more other people will come to count on us as a big excuse.  They will trust that we will not follow through, and all they will get is a great excuse.  This is not the formula for success.

The formula for success is first to realize that having integrity means that we mean what we say before we say it, while we say it, and after we say it.  The more we follow through with what we say we will do up goes our sense of value about ourselves, and then others will come to know that they can count on us.  All the things we have ever wanted are truly available to us when we keep our word.

If you find you are going to have a tough time keeping your word, the best time to address it is before the agreement was broken.  Letting people in on your process is critical.  People feel valued when you let them know you may have a tough time following through with something on time, and need their support.  This is so much better than breaking your word, and then having to pick up the pieces later.

If you find that you have indeed broken your word to someone, the best thing to do is to own up to it right away.  Often times we do a lousy job at this.  We make excuses, we get defensive, we blame, we avoid, all to have us looking good in the times when we are out of agreement.  Simply owning up to it can save you tons of time, energy, and frustration.  Then recreate an agreement with that person.

Nothing will create distance quicker than saying I am sorry over and over again and continuing to break your word.  People will get that your word means nothing.  If you find you are doing this you must look at what will have you keeping your word and building the kind of trust and connection you have always wanted!

First let’s look at what happens when others break their word.  Often times we get very upset when others don’t follow through like they said they would, and the reason for this is what we interpret their actions to mean.  We often make the assumption that their actions meant something about us.  We take it personally.  For example, my husband was late for dinner and I interpret that to say he doesn’t care about us.  Or my boss didn’t acknowledge the great job I did on a project and I interpret that to say he doesn’t appreciate me.  It’s never what happened that has us upset, it’s what we make it mean.  The same is true with people breaking their word to us.  We assume they meant to hurt us, or don’t care, or that we are not important to them.  This misinterpretation causes us to behave in inappropriate ways when it comes to holding others accountable.  We lash out at them, or get angry, or punish them.  We ignore it, avoid it or make it OK.  Or we blame, cry or nag and want them to see how much we are hurt.  All of these responses are normal but just aren’t very productive in terms of handling the situation.  And they certainly don’t have us feeling very good about ourselves.

So in looking at how to handle it effectively the first thing to realize is that our upset is not about that person, it’s about us.  The reasons why we feel upset have to do with events that occurred in our lives way before this person ever came along.  Once we realize this, then we can approach that person in a more caring way.  And we have to willing to address the person when they break their word.  If we don’t address it, such as making light of it, or ignoring it really sends out a message to them that they can keep doing it.  And we make ourselves into a doormat.  This is one of the worst things we can do.  Effective accountability sends out a message that the other person is important, and that I am important.

What’s the first thing to do when someone breaks their word?  Find out what happened. Ask them what had them break their word.  What was going on for them?  Did they realize they broke their word?  And then let them know the impact that it had on you that they didn’t follow through on time.  How do you feel about it?  It’s important to let them know.  Then you can recreate an agreement with them.  Now, if someone breaks their word over and over, and continues to just say they are sorry, what does that tell you about their word? That it doesn’t mean very much!  Continuing to make agreements with people who do this is irresponsible.  And it sets us up for disappointment and frustration.

Care enough about the people in your life to hold them accountable, in a loving way.  If you do this you will teach the people in your life how to treat you.  And you’ll show them how to be more responsible.  Stay tuned for the next article about how to hold ourselves accountable.